How About Not Having Children

My reasons why you should and shouldn't (mostly reasons why you shouldn't)

What is the purpose of having children? You might be thinking the purpose is to teach them “the right way to live,” to breed with your chosen mate, to continue your bloodline, to make your parents proud. None of these are exceptional, in fact, I think all of these are terrible, but common reasons people have children.

People have children because they don’t know what else to do with themselves. They’ve been conditioned to believe giving birth is something to check off their list, and it proves to anyone that witnesses them that they have achieved something. But, having children is not a flex on its own. Being a parent does not mean you get to merge with the people who live intentionally, who make intentional choices, nor does it mean that you’re a good parent.

Being a bad parent doesn’t automatically mean you’re a bad person, but parenting isn’t for everyone. I wish more people were open to accepting that about themselves. If you are only looking forward to having a child because they’ll be “yours,” don’t have one. Children are not trophies, toys, accessories. A child does not ask to exist. A child does not exist to be obedient to you, always or because “you said so.” Children do not exist to be anything in particular. Children do not exist to avoid annoying their parents or inconveniencing them. Having children is a wild inconvenience, and no one seems to consider that until they already exist and then suddenly it’s the child’s fault for being a nuisance. Having a child that is conditioned to not ask questions, chase their curiosity, or take up space is about as good as not having one at all.

I believe having any hopes for how your child will come out is one of the biggest indicators someone should not be a parent.

This is not The Sims, you don’t get to curate what or how your child thinks, how they look, or who they are. To “want children” is to want the opportunity to love someone without reason or condition. To “want children” is to want the opportunity to love someone and like someone because it is your job. It is your job to provide food, water, shelter, medicine, and transportation. It’s your job to deal with all of the major or minor incontinences. It’s your job to prioritize them until the day your take your last breath. Being a parent is literally viewing the fact that you’re in debt to your children until the day you die as a blessing, and not a curse. Or an eyeroll.

Seriously, only a white person would come up with the idea that you’re free from the responsibilities involved with your child once they turn eighteen. And through (conservative, Christian) religious influences, it’s an American practice that’s bled into otherwise close-knit, multigenerational communities. And surprise, it doesn’t work as well as the “white model,” aka child goes off to a four-year university, pays off debt quickly with post-grad job, and raises their own family in a little house in the suburbs. Does that sound like God’s Plan to you? Or is it seriously just decades of disinterested and disconnected parents creating the norm of releasing yourself from the burden of dealing with the children you had on purpose?

The only reason to have a child is to provide them with the gift of unconditional love. There is no other good reason. You, as the mother who birthed your child are not the prize, your child is not the prize. Unconditional love is the prize. To give and to receive.